STRUGGLING WITH SHAME AND FEELING UNWORTHY?
WHAT IS TOXIC SHAME?
Shame is the painful feeling of having lost the respect of others because of your improper behavior or incompetence. It involves feelings of disgrace, dishonor, unworthiness, and embarrassment. Shame is one of the most intense emotional responses, often striking when we're most vulnerable and needing self-compassion.
Beyond occasional shame & guilt, toxic shame is more profound and damaging, leading individuals to view themselves as fundamentally unworthy, unlovable & flawed.
EFFECTS OF TOXIC SHAME ON MENTAL HEALTH:
Toxic shame affects how we perceive ourselves, influencing our decisions & relationships. It can impact the mental health of a person in the following ways:
- Low self-esteem
- Poor-self image
- Difficulty forming healthy relationships
- Always seeking external validation
- Lack of trust on oneself
An analysis conducted in 2018 highlights the growing body of research on the relationship between shame and various psychological issues, particularly anxiety disorders and depression. The findings suggest that external shame—defined as the perception of negative evaluations from others—has a stronger correlation with social anxiety symptoms than internal shame, which involves negative self-evaluations. Recognizing and addressing toxic shame is crucial for healing and breaking the stigma.
AM I A VICTIM OF TOXIC HOUSEHOLD?
Use of toxic shame as a weapon in a household fosters an environment of fear and inadequacy, ensuring compliance and control while damaging the individual's mental and emotional well-being.
In a household where it’s considered normal to attack one’s core worth, victims have difficulty in development of sufficient self-esteem & confidence. Such individuals find themselves submerged in self-doubts & feelings of inadequacy over small mistakes and setbacks. It becomes very difficult for them to navigate through unfulfilled dreams, relationships & self-expression.
In 2021, a captivating study explored the intricate links between shame and their impact on post-traumatic stress. The findings revealed strikingly positive correlations, shedding light on how these emotions intertwine with our psychological responses to trauma.
USE OF TOXIC SHAME AS A MANIPULATION TECHNIQUE:
In toxic households, shame is used as a weapon to control and manipulate individuals, undermining their self-worth and autonomy. This insidious form of shame targets a person's core identity, making them feel inherently flawed and unworthy, rather than addressing a flawed behaviour. By continuously reinforcing these feelings, caregivers or authority figures exert power, create dependency, and maintain dominance.
The constant criticism and invalidation prevent individuals from developing healthy self-esteem, leading them to doubt their abilities and decisions. This psychological manipulation can stifle personal growth and perpetuate a cycle of dysfunction, where individuals may struggle to assert themselves or seek external validation. Ultimately, toxic shame in an unhealthy household serves as a powerful weapon that undermines emotional well-being and personal growth.
HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC SHAME?
Dealing with toxic shame involves several key steps:
- Recognize and acknowledge the difference between toxic shame and ordinary guilt.
- Challenge negative self-beliefs by questioning their validity and seeking evidence of your worth.
- Develop self-compassion by treating yourself with the kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend.
- Establish healthy boundaries and seek support from a therapist or support groups to address underlying issues and build emotional intelligence.
- Engaging in positive self-affirmations and practicing mindfulness can also help in dealing with anxieties and mitigate the effects of toxic shame.
- Fostering a positive self-image and resilience.
A WORD FROM MENTAL NURTURING:
Shame, a painful feeling of never-ending confusion and unworthiness, is unfortunately common in households where authority figures lack empathy and perpetuate harmful practices to maintain control. It can be challenging to remain calm and optimistic in such environments. Addressing toxic shame is hard and can be overwhelming, but it is essential for fostering emotional resilience and personal growth. By distinguishing it from ordinary guilt, which is a feeling of remorse for a specific action, individuals can challenge the negative self-perceptions it creates. Toxic shame, on the other hand, is a deep-seated belief of being fundamentally flawed or unworthy, often stemming from childhood experiences or peer pressures.
Building self-awareness, opening up about your concerns, and seeking support are crucial to mitigating the impact of toxic shame. However, it's important to remember that confronting and healing from poisonous shame is a transformative process and often feels like a loophole; therefore, it's highly recommended to get in touch with those who are professionally dealing with such concerns. Time and again, behavioral therapy has proven effective in bridging the gaps. It empowers individuals to reclaim their self-worth and let go of the pain, leading to an authentic life.
RESOURCES:
1- Richard Nicastro. (2023, April 17). The Destructive Path of Toxic Shame | Richard Nicastro, PhD. Richard Nicastro, PhD. https://richardnicastro.com/2023/04/17/the-destructive-path-of-toxic-shame/
2- Moore SK, Okst K, Smith L, Fatkin T, Creedon T, Fredericksen AK, Gawande R, Schuman-Olivier Z. "Today I Can Look in the Mirror and Like Myself": Effects of a Trauma-Informed Mindful Recovery Program on Self-Compassion. Front Psychol. 2022 Jun 2;13:780383. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2022.780383. PMID: 35719537; PMCID: PMC9201725.
3- Lmft, D. L. J. (2023, August 25). How Shame Feels and What Makes it Toxic. What Is Codependency? https://whatiscodependency.com/toxic-shame-low-self-esteem/
4- Shi C, Ren Z, Zhao C, Zhang T, Chan SH. Shame, guilt, and posttraumatic stress symptoms: A three-level meta-analysis. J Anxiety Disord. 2021 Aug;82:102443. doi: 10.1016/j.janxdis.2021.102443. Epub 2021 Jul 2. PMID: 34265540.
Written By:
Rumsha Abdul Aziz, MS Psychology
On September 30, 2024
