THE STRUGGLES OF LIVING WITH A PERFECTIONIST PARTNER
He holds before his soul his image of perfection and unconsciously tells himself: Forget about the disgraceful creature you actually are; this is how you should be; and to be this idealized self is all that matters. You should be able to endure everything, to understand everything, to like everybody, to always be productive.
-Karen Horney
In a complex and unhealthy relationship, you could be concerned about a common question, Am I living with a perfectionist? We need to understand that perfectionism serves completely different purposes in professional & personal lives.
Living with a perfectionist partner at home is challenging and exhausting. The inhumane expectations can lead to stress, frustration, and misunderstandings.
WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?
Perfectionism often stems from a desire for flawlessness and can manifest in various areas, such as work, appearance, and personal relationships.
The two main categories of perfectionism are:
Perfectionistic strivings are features associated with personal standards (exceptionally high, or unrealistically high).
Perfectionistic concerns are features associated with harsh self-evaluation and doubts about self-worth (fears and feelings of inadequacy).
WHY THE RELATIONSHIPS FAIL?
1. Unrealistic expectations & criticism: Perfectionist partners often set impossibly high standards for themselves and others. This can create pressure to meet these standards, leading to feelings of inadequacy in a relationship. Even minor mistakes or imperfections may be called out, leaving the non-perfectionist partner feeling judged. This can erode confidence and lead to resentment, as constant criticism feels overwhelming.
2. Rigid & controlling behavior: Perfectionists prefer structure and predictability, often resisting change or spontaneity. This can make adapting to life's natural ups and downs challenging, leaving little room for compromise or flexibility in the relationship. Perfectionists may attempt to control various aspects of the relationship, from household tasks to decision-making, in order to maintain their standards. This can make their partner feel powerless and micromanaged.
3. Emotional disconnection: Focusing on perfection can lead to emotional distance in a couple. A perfectionist may prioritize tasks, routines, or appearance over emotional intimacy, leaving their partner feeling neglected or unappreciated. The fear of making mistakes or failing to meet expectations can paralyze the relationship, preventing both partners from taking risks or trying new things.
4. Lack of appreciation: A perfectionist may focus more on outcomes than on the efforts, leaving their partner feeling unappreciated, especially if their efforts are seen as insufficient. Constantly striving for perfection can lead to burnout for both partners, affecting mental health. The partner may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even develop feelings of self-doubt in the relationship.
5. Difficulty in resolving conflicts: Conflict resolution may be challenging, as perfectionists have difficulty acknowledging their flaws. Arguments can feel one-sided or unresolved as the perfectionist partner avoids vulnerability.
A WORD FROM MENTAL NURTURING:
Living with a perfectionist partner presents its unique set of challenges. There is often an environment where both partners experience high stress. The perfectionist's anxiety about meeting goals or maintaining order can spill over, making the relationship tense and overwhelming.
While the journey may be fraught with struggles, creating a space where vulnerability is welcomed can help bridge the emotional gap between the couple. It’s important to realize that mistakes are a natural part of life and that growth often comes from failure. It is important to realize that perfectionism is often a symptom of a personality disorder and is so deeply rooted that it can only be fixed with professional help.
REFERENCES:
1. Mackinnon, S. P., Sherry, S. B., Antony, M. M., Stewart, S. H., Sherry, D. L., & Hartling, N. (2012). Caught in a bad romance: Perfectionism, conflict, and depression in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(2), 215–225.
2. Binder, P. E., Woodfin, V. I., & Hjeltnes, A. (2023). Perfection is a sad and lonely place: A study of existential vulnerability in the life stories of persons struggling with perfectionism. International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-Being, 18(1). https://doi.org/10.1080/17482631.2023.2219513
3. Limburg K, Watson HJ, Hagger MS, Egan SJ. The Relationship Between Perfectionism and Psychopathology: A Meta-Analysis. J Clin Psychol. 2017 Oct;73(10):1301-1326. doi: 10.1002/jclp.22435. Epub 2016 Dec 27. PMID: 28026869.
4. Chang Chen, Paul L. Hewitt, Gordon L. Flett, Preoccupied attachment, need to belong, shame, and interpersonal perfectionism: An investigation of the Perfectionism Social Disconnection Model, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 76, 2015.
Written by:
Hana Noor
Medically reviewed & edited by:
Dr.Saba Munir, MBBS
On November 05, 2024
