LIVING WITH A PERFECTIONIST PARTNER
He holds before his soul his image of perfection and unconsciously tells himself: Forget about the disgraceful creature you actually are; this is how you should be. You should be able to endure everything, to understand everything, to always be productive.
-Karen Horney
In a complex and unhealthy relationship, you could be concerned about a standard question: Am I living with a perfectionist? We need to recognize that perfectionism plays different roles in our professional and personal lives. A perfectionist attitude at work is not the same as having one at home. Living with a perfectionist partner can be challenging and exhausting. Unrealistic expectations can lead to stress, sadness, and anger.
WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?
Perfectionism often stems from a desire for flawlessness and can manifest in various areas, such as work, appearance, and personal relationships. There are two main categories of perfectionism:
Perfectionistic strivings, which involve exceptionally high personal standards, and Perfectionistic concerns, characterized by harsh self-evaluation and doubts about self-worth.
Research conducted in 2020 on the psychological study of perfectionism indicates a link between perfectionism and several mental health issues, including depressionanxiety, and suicidal tendencies. This highlights the need to break the stigma and promote talks about unpleasant traits of people around us.
TRAITS OF A PERFECTIONIST:
1. Unrealistic expectations & criticism: Perfectionist partners often set impossibly high standards for themselves and others. This can create pressure to meet these standards, leading to feelings of inadequacy in a relationship. Even minor mistakes or imperfections may be called out, leaving the non-perfectionist partner feeling judged. This can erode confidence and lead to resentment, as constant criticism feels overwhelming.
2. Rigid & controlling behavior: Perfectionists prefer structure and predictability, often resisting change or spontaneity. This can make adapting to life's natural ups and downs challenging, leaving little room for compromise or flexibility in the relationship. Perfectionists may attempt to control various aspects of the relationship, from household tasks to decision-making, in order to maintain their standards. This can make their partner feel powerless and micromanaged.
3. Emotional disconnection: Focusing on perfection can lead to emotional distance in a couple. A perfectionist may prioritize tasks, routines, or appearance over emotional intimacy, leaving their partner feeling neglected or unappreciated. The fear of making mistakes or failing to meet expectations can paralyze the relationship, preventing both partners from taking risks or trying new things. Conflict resolution may be challenging, as perfectionists have difficulty acknowledging their flaws. Arguments can feel one-sided or unresolved as the perfectionist partner avoids vulnerability.
4. Lack of appreciation: A perfectionist may focus more on outcomes than on the efforts, leaving their partner feeling unappreciated, especially if their efforts are seen as insufficient. Constantly striving for perfection can lead to burnout for both partners, affecting mental health. The partner may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even develop feelings of self-doubt in the relationship.
A WORD FROM MENTAL NURTURING:
Living with a perfectionist partner presents its unique set of challenges. There is often an environment where both partners experience high stress. The perfectionist's anxiety about meeting goals or maintaining order can spill over, making the relationship tense and overwhelming. Navigating conflict resolution can be particularly challenging as their struggle to acknowledge personal flaws can render arguments feeling one-sided and unresolved.
Perfectionism, especially when imposed on others, can sometimes indicate a personality disorder and should be evaluated by a mental health professional. Traits that are difficult for family and friends to bear can often be effectively addressed through behavioral therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy. While the journey may be filled with challenges, fostering an environment that embraces vulnerability can significantly bridge the emotional gap between partners.
If you find it exhausting to cope with your partner's expectations and have tried various ways to help them understand your perspective without any change, consider reaching out to your support system or a professional. They can help you explore the situation more deeply and assist you in developing self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and resilience.
REFERENCES:
1. Mackinnon, S. P., Sherry, S. B., Antony, M. M., Stewart, S. H., Sherry, D. L., & Hartling, N. (2012). Caught in a bad romance: Perfectionism, conflict, and depression in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(2), 215–225.
2. Binder, P. E., Woodfin, V. I., & Hjeltnes, A. (2023). Perfection is a sad and lonely place: A study of existential vulnerability in the life stories of persons struggling with perfectionism. International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-Being, 18(1). https://doi.org/10.1080/17482631.2023.2219513
3. Limburg K, Watson HJ, Hagger MS, Egan SJ. The Relationship Between Perfectionism and Psychopathology: A Meta-Analysis. J Clin Psychol. 2017 Oct;73(10):1301-1326. doi: 10.1002/jclp.22435. Epub 2016 Dec 27. PMID: 28026869.
4. Chang Chen, Paul L. Hewitt, Gordon L. Flett, Preoccupied attachment, need to belong, shame, and interpersonal perfectionism: An investigation of the Perfectionism Social Disconnection Model, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 76, 2015.
Written by:
Hana Noor
Medically reviewed & edited by:
Dr.Saba Munir, MBBS
On November 05, 2024
