PEOPLE-PLEASING: 5 STRATEGIES TO OVERCOME
WHAT IS PEOPLE PLEASING?
SIGNS OF A PEOPLE PLEASER:
1. Difficulty: Say the word 'No': They often agree to requests, even when overwhelmed. They feel drained from trying to meet everyone's expectations.
2. Constant Apology to Avoid Conflicts: They frequently apologize, even for minor issues or when they are not at fault. They go to great lengths to keep the peace, even at the expense of their happiness.
3. Neglecting Personal Needs & Opinions: They prioritize others' needs over their well-being. They suppress their thoughts to avoid disagreement.
4. Overcommitting: They take on too many responsibilities to please others, often worrying about disappointing others or being abandoned.
5. Resentment & Emotional Exhaustion: They may feel bitter or resentful for constantly putting others first. But they can't help as they rely heavily on others' opinions for self-worth.
WHAT CAUSES PEOPLE PLEASING?
People's pleasing often stems from a desire for approval and acceptance, usually rooted in childhood experiences such as critical parenting especially shaming and bullying. Individuals may fear rejection or abandonment, leading them to prioritize others' needs over their own. Low self-esteem can exacerbate this behavior, making them reliant on external validation. Cultural or peer pressures, such as expectations to be accommodating, also play a significant role. 2022 Study suggests that social approval and disapproval deeply affect how people perceive themselves. Additionally, past trauma or negative experiences may create a belief that love and acceptance are contingent on pleasing others. Recognizing these underlying causes is crucial for fostering healthier relationships and self-acceptance.
HOW TO STOP BEING A PEOPLE-PLEASER?
Here are some strategies to help overcome people-pleasing behavior:
1- Self-awareness: Recognize your people-pleasing tendencies. This realization can be a powerful step towards reclaiming your autonomy. Reflect on situations where you prioritize others over yourself. Understand what truly matters to you. Align your actions with your values rather than seeking external approval. Consider the consequences of past people-pleasing. Recognize how it affected your well-being and work on building emotional intelligence.
2- Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that nourish you physically and emotionally. Remember, you are just as important as those you aim to please. Prioritizing your well-being is essential. Reduce exposure to curated lives online, which can intensify the desire to please and look perfect.
3- Set Boundaries: Start small and slowly create boundaries for things that you don't like to do. Practice saying "no" when requests exceed your capacity. Establish clear limits to protect your time and energy. Remember, you have the power to decide what you can and cannot do. Change takes time. Celebrate small victories and be empathetic to yourself throughout the process.
4- Challenge Negative Thoughts: Address the beliefs that drive your need for approval. Replace them with affirmations of your worth. Learn to express your needs and opinions confidently. Start with small statements to build your assertiveness.
5—Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings. They can provide encouragement and perspective. A 2023 study on young adults who participated in internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy indicates significant benefits for reducing the stigma around mental health and enhancing their self-worth and self-esteem.
A WORD FROM MENTAL NURTURING:
People-pleasing is dangerous as it leads to a range of adverse effects. It often results in chronic stress and anxiety, as individuals are so worked up for seeking validation from others that they forget about their own needs. People pleasers usually struggle with setting boundaries, leading to feelings of inadequacy and loss of identity, which makes them prone to burnout and resentment and erodes personal relationships. Over time, this behavior can contribute to mental health issues, such as, panic etc.
Overcoming people-pleasing behavior is a journey that requires self-awareness, mindfulness, and a strategy to let go of the past and live in the present. By setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care, individuals can reclaim their time and energy, fostering healthy relationships. Challenging negative thoughts and seeking support are crucial to building confidence and resilience. As you practice these strategies, remember that change takes time and patience. Embracing your authentic self will enhance your well-being and lead to more genuine connections with others. Ultimately, valuing yourself as much as you value others is key to breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle.
RESOURCES:
1- What is a people pleaser? (2024, February 25). WebMD.
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-people-pleaser
2- Rouault M, Will GJ, Fleming SM, Dolan RJ. Low self-esteem and the formation of global self-performance estimates in emerging adulthood. Transl Psychiatry. 2022 Jul 11;12(1):272. doi: 10.1038/s41398-022-02031-8. PMID: 35821225; PMCID: PMC9276660.
3- MSEd, K. C. (2024, May 20). How to Stop People-Pleasing. Verywell Mind.
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412
4- van der Stouwe ECD, Geraets CNW, Rutgers M, Veling W. Cognitive behavioral group treatment for low self-esteem in psychosis: a proof of concept study. BMC Psychiatry. 2021 Nov 12;21(1):567. doi: 10.1186/s12888-021-03579-3. PMID: 34772387; PMCID: PMC8590283.
Written by:
Rumsha Abdul Aziz, MS Psychology,
On April 17, 2025
